Backyard Musings

Well I’ve officially been on bedrest for a week. Or modified bedrest, or whatever its called when you are not supposed to lift, push, pull or bend—and you are supposed to spend most of your time horizontal. The epitomy of boredom. But neccessary, so I’ll accept my sentence.

In order to make this work, I’ve enlisted the help of a little helper. The “big sister” she likes to be called. She is now my arms, my legs…….my eyes and ears. My lifting and pushing and pulling. And she has thoroughly impressed me.

She is my bedrest savior.

My little girl has mastered the art of gathering dirty laundry, carrying it to the laundry room, pouring detergent, choosing the option of “express wash”, starting it…….then changing the load to the dryer. Then emptying the dryer and bringing me the laundry and helping to fold it. She can empty and load the dishwasher. She can make toast with butter and pour drinks. She can pick up the floors and has attempted to vacuum. She is my little hero.

Today I gave her a treat for being so patient with me and helping me so much. I’ve had to cut her down to 2 days of school since I am off work, and I know she’s been bored. So I took her to Mt Baldy, a mountain by our house. Its only about 5 mins away, we live at the base of it. I drove just a tiny bit up the mountain to a rushing stream. We parked next to the water and I sat down on a rock and watched her wade in the water and catch ladybugs. Mommy could only handle about 30 mins, but to Maggie it was the world. She was thrilled to have my attention, and thrilled to be “playing in nature.” Ahhh, the life of my poor city kid.

She loved having her feet in the icy water…..wading around and jumping rocks was just a delight to her. She squealed at dragonflies and slapped at water spiders. She giggled when a hummingbird buzzed over her head. She kept thanking me. It reminds me that these moments are so precious and are so short lived. Soon she won’t be my only. She is going to have a sibling that she has to share me with. The dynamics are going to be so different. And right now, she has me all to herself and I’m going to try to enjoy it……..even when my patience is being tried. Its hard to be her only source of entertainment…..her only friend.  But I know I need to enjoy these precious times.

When the time had come to leave, she was less than thrilled to join me and walk back to the truck. It was like pulling teeth when I made her leave the ladybug behind, and she was soaking wet and exhausted. She made me promise to bring her back for “special times” again, and I told her I would.

Having a place to escape to in southern california that isn’t littered with people and noise is a phenomenon, and I am so grateful to have Mt Baldy at my disposal. The quiet and the vastness of the valley at the base of it and the soaring views from the top are so incredibly peaceful. It makes me feel like I have a tiny peace of Kansas.  I could get in my car and escape my small town in a heartbeat back home……and it feels good to have found the same out here.

So back to bed I go, after a lovely dinner of lime jello with a can of pears dumped on top. Aren’t cravings wonderful????

hugs…..

rae

p.s. healing vibes and strength to my friend monkey and her partners…(www.theybelongtous.wordpress.com)

Its really getting harder and harder to type on this damn laptop. My belly has taken over my lap and its hard to reach across the mountain to find my keys. But I’ll suffer through just for my adoring audience. *grin*

I was hospitalized twice last week for preterm labor. 27 weeks is a bit too early for the arrival of this little boy, and hopefully we’ve gotten it all under control. I was having contractions every 8 minutes and they were being productive. I am now officially 70% effaced and 2cm dialated. *sigh* With intervention we have made the contractions non productive but they are always present. I am on p17 injections IM once a week and terbutiline orally every 4 hours around the clock.  The drugs are making me a raging bitch, and I seriously feel bad for the people around me. Terbutiline causes me to flush and shake, and it makes my heart race. I haven’t slept in 3 nites. I’m just a mess. But baby boy remains inside where he belongs.  And I am officially off work for the rest of my pregnancy. It did not sit well with me but I’m starting to understand that I just don’t have a choice. I don’t like giving up the control and walking away from work, but I guess I just have to give up on this one and take care of my son. So bedrest (or close to it) for the remainder of my pregnancy. oy.

Today my very dearest friends threw a nursery raising party for me. My storage/junk/extra room became a beautiful new nursery for my little man. It was very surreal watching the nursery empty and watching a new bedroom form. I am thoroughly humbled and beyond words at the kindness of my friends.  In a matter of a few hours, Rhonda, Jessica and Renee assembled a rocker, a crib, a bassinet, a lamp, new light plate covers, etc etc and gave me the nursery of my dreams. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have these women in my life. With Maggie, I didn’t really know anyone out here yet. Now, I count myself lucky to have the amazing friends I have. Thank you ladies. You are part of the wave that is making my dreams come true. I love you.

And now for the pictures……

Before—the storage room:

Jessica and Renee working on the rocker….

Rhonda and Renee getting the crib together…

Jess and Renee hanging the surfboard…

My amazing friends….

The finished nursery……

Maggie testing out the crib for me…

All in all, it was a wonderful day. I have learned what amazing people I have in my life. And now I’m back to bed. Not to sleep of course, but just to rest………….lol……..FUNFUN!!

hugs and love to all…….

rae

I’m home I’m home I’m home. I’ve been getting emails from online friends who were a bit concerned that I hadn’t posted yet. The truth is, I’ve just been overwhelmed thinking about this post so it was easier to just ignore it. lol.

The cruise was AWESOME! I think the pregnancy limited me a bit just because I was so exhausted for the trip, and a bit nauseated and had some food aversions…….but the cruise itself was an experience I’m likely never to forget. The atmosphere was so comfortable……so inspiring. 2 mom families, 2 dad families………straight supportive families………grandparents, brothers and sisters. I feel so honored to have experienced this with my little girl. Watching it through her eyes was amazing.

We kick started our cruise with 2 days in San Diego. It was fairly chilly considering it was San Diego. I was prepared and we packed so inappropriate. lol. Oh well. We spent some time taking Maggie to the Maritime Museum right by our hotel (we stayed in a hotel across the street from the cruise dock) and we also spent time at Balboa Park. It was good times and Maggie had a blast. Here is Mags on the pirate ship at the Maritime Museum…….

Maggie enjoyed the botanical garden at Balboa park and asked the caretaker nearly every name of every plant and sniffed things that didn’t even have a scent. She was very cute.

There were a ton of statues and art everywhere……Maggie felt the need to pose on each of course!

No trip to San Diego is complete for me without a trip to old town for an authentic Mexican meal of guacamole enchiladas on homemade tortillas. I craved them when I was pregnant with Maggie and this pregnancy was no different. Maggie struck a pose in the park in the center of old town….

The next morning we awoke to Maggie pulling the shades back on the hotel window and screaming “THERE’s OUR BOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Our cruise ship had made it in that morning and was parked directly outside of out window!!! Maggie could hardly eat her breakfast looking at it. She kept asking when when when we could get on.

We got to the dock and waiting in line with all the other excited families…..it was amazing seeing all the children with gay parents. I was SO excited…..Here we go…..

And as we entered the boat……….we were greeted by Kelli ODonnell. I was starstruck, Maggie was confused…..I tried to walk away after her greeting, but the Kansas girl in me took over and I ran back and asked for a picture. She was very sweet to oblige. I was shocked at how available Kelli was for the whole cruise. It was very normal to just be standing next to her, walking down the hall with her. She was in a no way a celebrity. She was just one of us. A gay mom, with her family……enjoying the safety of the cruise. Very cool.

Shortly after boarding it was time to get ready for muster. As soon as we got our lifejackets on and went outside it started to rain and hail. It was funny watching the gay boys scramble for cover under the awnings and pushing the dyke moms and kids out. *rolls eyes*—they couldn’t get their hair mussed you know???

After muster the boat was ours. Maggie was drawn to the big chess board and of course the swimming pool. It wasn’t long til she was freezing her ass off and making new friends.

 We did the welcome party and then unpacked and I got ready for the big show. The rumor was that Rosie would be hosting the first performance on board……and I couldn’t wait. Rosie has been my hero and one of my first crushes since I was very little. I think I squealed like a child when she came on stage. 

I thought I was overwhelmed and starstruck watching her until Shoshanna Bean from the original run of Wicked on Broadway came on stage and sang my favorite Wicked songs. *DROOL* It was a fantasy nite.

THen Maggie laid down on the floor in front of our seats and told us she was going to puke. The boat was tossing and turning and Mags gets motion sickness. I’m such a great mom that after the show I dragged her ass down to the stage and made her wait in line to meet Rosie. When she turned green and looked like it was over I grabbed the stage manager and begged her to let Maggie see her before she puked. The stage manager obliged and plopped Maggie down next to her on stage. I was speechless and starstruck.  Rosie told Maggie that if she was the first to puke on the boat that she would get a special prize. Then she told me to go pump Maggie full of seasick pills. I got a pic that I will cherish forever. My seasick child with my hero……

The cruise was amazing. There were so many famous people on the boat! I was smitten!! There was Ross the Inten, ANT, Sharon Gless, Cyndi Lauper……..and just about every Broadway star for every taste. I could blog on and on about every detail but I’d lose my audience. I’m going to include pics from every port with short descriptions but I’m not going to narrate because I’ll just bore you. Suffice it to say this was an amazing experience. My daughter will never forget this trip. I am ever so grateful to Kelli and Gregg for this awesome experience. I’m so glad they dreamed up this idea and made it a reality.

 Here is Maggie holding a baby Jaguar in Cabo San Lucas!

Maggie getting braids…….

Pretty braided girl!

Braving the ocean…….it was FREEZING!!!!

Looking at the ship

Riding the tender to shore…..

Mommy at Cabo Wabo Cantina!

Cyndi Lauper in concert, night 2

Cyndi and Sharon Gless sign a PFLAG contract

Next port, Mazatlan………..Mommy and Maggie at the town square

Mama and Maggie watching pigeons

The three of us at the beach in Mazatlan

Maggie freezing on the beach!

Senor Frog’s……

And now on to Puerto Vallarta….here is Maggie with a rescued Parrot

At another park with another rescued Parrot

The big excursion……..swimming with dolphins….

Cruising the Malecon

Maggie trying not to puke on the little boat back to shore

My girl holding a baby alligator….

And now random pics from the boat………….

Hero day (That’s Gregg and Kelli)

Donna and her poker buddy….Ross the Intern

Maggie and one of my idols…….Shoshanna Bean (Elphaba from Broadway’s WICKED)

Maggie and our goth friends from The Amazing Race (on tv)

Maggie with the “Daddy Machine” from the popular play being run in San Diego (we got to see it live on the boat……what a great show for kids in our families)

Maggie’s special friend from Philly……..Marla

And to wrap it all up……here’s Maggie waiting for Mama to bring the car around at the dock to take us HOME!!!!!!!!!

And that’s the cruise! Its only taken me THREE NIGHTS of uploading to do this. I’m exhausted!! Nite nite!!!

——-Rae

Stays in Mexico……………right?

Yah right. *grin*

This will be my last post for a while. I leave later this week for an “R” Families Cruise to Mexico! Its a 7 day cruise to three ports (Puerta Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas) and it seems to me that the weather is due to be just perfect!!!

This fat and sassy prego girl is most excited about the food that is available 24 hours a day! *wink*

Just in case you were considering breaking into my house while I am gone, don’t bother. We have a house sitter.  *grin*

Well, wish me luck. The last cruise I went on (an “Olivia” cruise) was a horrifying experience  and I swore I’d never set foot on a floating hotel again! I puked for several days and the boat was crappy and the ports sucked. I’m hoping this is going to be a better experience! *wink*

So anyway…….I’ll be back soon!! Hopefully with a tan and 10 lbs heavier! *grin*

Rae

Its been no secret that my pregnancy has had a bit of a cloud over it. I’ve shared with a few of you what is going on, but mostly I’ve kept it to myself. Partially because I didn’t want sympathy, partially because I was in denial and partially because so much of my life has been public in the last three years and I needed to deal with this reality privately.

I have felt a little alone in this because I don’t feel like the people who know what is happening really understand what is going on. Part of me feels like my family is so detached from the situation because they are bracing for the worst. The reality is, that nothing has been simple or easy since I got diagnosed with cancer. It not only affected me and my immediate household…but it affected those who loved me very deeply. I know this. Losing the triplet pregnancy, losing Sadie…..I think everyone around me has pretty much checked out because they just don’t know how to heal my broken heart over and over again.

I’m lucky because I have people in my life who listen to me cry, and try to give me hope. And I know that even though sometimes I’m lonely and feeling sorry for myself, I know i’m not alone.

My son’s name is Kailen for those who didn’t know. Kailen sounds like Skylen. We’ll all call him Kai for short. Kailen means warrior. Kai means ocean. I couldn’t be happier with his name.

Kailen has had several “soft markers” that point towards down syndrome.

The last peri appt I had on Friday showed pylectasis, another soft marker for the syndrome.

There is also question about Kai’s heart. This is considered another soft marker.

I’m trying to deal with this in a positive way. I am not afraid of down syndrome. I don’t know why I’m not, but I’m not. I understand that perhaps I’m completely naive, but this is my son and I refuse to think that this is the worst thing that could happen to me. He is a blessing, a sweet miracle, and I will not accept any less of him.

I had an uncle who had down syndrome. He was a sweet boy, a sweet man. He was the love of many. I grew up hearing stories about his boyhood that made us all laugh. He brought so much joy to everyone’s lives. He was my grandfather’s brother. And my great-grandma’s world. My dad loved him so much and he was not a burden to anyone.

I grew up attending a camp run by the Catholic Church called “Faith and Light” camp. It was a summer camp that ministered to special needs children and adults. As counselors, we were all assigned a camper to be responsible for.  I remember having the time of my life with the children who had down syndrome. Never a dull moment and hours of laughter. They did nothing but bring joy to all of us. Sure, they were ornery and full of energy, and they pushed our limits but their crew was by far the most fun. I’ve never felt uncomfortable around adults or children with down syndrome.  I am not uncomfortable with knowing that the signs are leading towards this little miracle having it.

I have a fetal echocardiogram next week to rule out any heart anomalies. I will continue under the care of a peri to monitor his little kidneys that appear to either be refluxing or not functioning properly.

There is discussion about taking me off work at 30 weeks due to my PPROM from last pregnancy. Since my water broke at 35 weeks, it puts me into a high risk for recurrence category. Add in multiple abdominal surgeries in the last 3 years and I’m really risky.

All I know right now is that this miracle is coming, he’s wanted, he’s cherished, and I feel like we’ve passed the highest hurdle…….he’s alive at 21 weeks and thriving in-utero. We have a couple of snags but nothing that we can’t handle. He’s the love of my life, my little man.

Please, no “i’m sorry’s” in the comments. I’m not sorry. I’m sad that he may have some medical problems and I hope he never suffers, BUT, I’m not sad for him. This little boy is loved more than any of you could possibly imagine. By many. I don’t feel sorry anymore. Sure, I had my moments. I am done worrying and feeling sorry for myself. And I most definately do not feel sorry for my son.

And that…………is my reality.

Hugs to all,

rae

I thought I’d share a belly pic……I tortured Maggie tonight and made her take picture after picture until I was satisfied with the product. I wasn’t going to post but Renee bullied me into it…..so here I am! In all my pregnant fat as a house glory!

hugs

rae

So you all know the drama that ensued early this year when my little dog Taeghan had unmanaged diabetes. It was so scary and I almost lost her. As time has gone on, we’ve gotten used to the glucose checks and the insulin shots. However, Taeghan continues to decline in health. Her right retina blew and now she is completely blind. She is also losing weight like crazy and her liver and kidneys aren’t so hot. Its scary for me, as I have never had a pet this long and the thought of losing her is so scary. I got her when I was 18 and fresh out of highschool. She is nearly 11 years old. She was a crazy psycho little puppy who drove me crazy. Now she is a distinguished old lady and I’m so sad to be watching her fade. I decided to take some pics this weekend of her and Maggie……..just in case. I can’t imagine life without her, even when she drives me nuts. She will always be my first little baby….

And one pic of me and my little girl…..giving me kisses……..

hugs

rae

And it just happens to be a little man growing in my tummy.

 Yup, you read that right.

I get to be a mother to a son. Today my dreams came true. A son. I get to have a son.

This little miracle inside of me is a BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Its all about the blue team baby!!!

rae

But lately, its done nothing of the sort.

Life has been amazingly good to me lately.

I’ve spent a lot of time doing a lot of things I love, and spending time with people I love. I feel like a huge cloud of depression has finally lifted. Its been hanging around my head for far too freaking long. I’m glad to bid it farewell. Good riddance!

Work has been super busy, and keeping me hopping. It feels good to set goals and meet them. Things are changing in huge ways, and one of the hardest things for me is that my boss of 10 years will no longer be supervising me. Its completely wierd and its going to take time to get used to it, but I’m sure I will. I’m just sad. She’s been like my surrogate mom. I moved out here when I was 19, and she was exactly what I needed to keep me straight and motivated. Okay not straight. lol. Anyway, its going to be wierd to lose her.

Tomorrow we are doing our taxes. I have calculated 10’s of thousands of dollars in medical claims from last year that I desperately need money back for. However, you can’t get back more than you’ve paid in, and I certainly didn’t pay in the amount I need to get back. *sigh* If you’d have asked me 5 years ago if I’d spend 30,000 on getting pregnant I would have laughed at you. I’m not laughing now. I’m DROWNING in it. Sonofabitch. Anyway, I really would have loved to pay my baby off before it was born, but its not looking like thats going to happen. lol. Perhaps by the time the child is in college I will legally own it. *wink*

Which leads me to a topic I’m feeling a little more comfortable discussing. This miracle growing inside of me. I’m almost 18 weeks, and I’m starting to feel better about it everyday. I’m not having the same amount of fears and doubt that I had with Sadie. I find myself massively in love with this little angel more and more everyday. I feel it kicking and rolling and reminding me that they are here to stay daily. Its a wonderful feeling. I’ve tried to find out the sex a few times but to no avail. I have no clue when this kid is going to open their legs and give it up. I want to shop!!! I want to plan a nursery!!! I wanna know what to call it!!! I have a “for fun” ultrasound planned for tomorrow after I get my taxes done, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I get to find out then. *fingers crossed*

I had a really fun “anti superbowl” party last sunday. I had my friends and their kids over to eat, drink and be merry. And scrapbook. I scrapbooked a new album for the new baby. Of course I’ve had so many ultrasounds because I am high risk, so it was time to start putting them all in an album. I don’t really like the pages I did, but at least I am getting them done. I had Renee, Jessica and Liz over to celebrate and between all of us we had 9 kids. So, um, we didn’t get a lot done. lol. But we had fun.

Well, thats about it for boring updates. I would bore you with stories of the amount of change I have pulled out of maggie’s mouth since her big choking incident but it would probably upset you just as bad as its upset me. She *did* have her first eye doc appt and we found out her vision is PERFECT.  She is at the table cutting out hearts and making valentines right now. So stinking cute.

I guess that’s about it. No drama, no tears, no heartache. Just my boring, old, lemon-free life.

I’ll keep it.

Hugs,

rae

I’ve been trying to blog this for a week, and have found no other way to do this other than a letter to my little girl.

Dear Sadie,

I celebrated what would have been your birthday with empty arms and a broken heart. Words could never adequately describe the aching I felt in my soul.  You were my dream come true. You were the hope that cancer couldn’t steal from me. You were what filled the hole my cancerous ovaries left behind.  You left too soon little one, you left far too soon.

I remember when I saw your flickering heart on the ultrasound monitor. I remember feeling like it couldn’t really be happening. I couldn’t be so lucky as to have a second chance at motherhood.  And yet there you were, living inside of me. It was reality.

My motherly instinct was a little off, as I swore you were a boy from day one. Nod I named you, and Nod you were. Its still hard to call you Sadie sometimes, because inside of me you were always my little Nod. I’ll admit that when I lost you, part of me felt like I’d lost two people—a little boy I named Nod and a little girl who whispered her name in my ear………Sadie Grace.

With the loss of you came the loss of so many dreams.  When I learned that the child I’d lost was a baby girl………my mind never stopped. I thought about the totes full of Maggie’s baby clothes I’d saved just for you……I thought about my little green eyed girl with hair standing up her head and a smile that touched everyone’s heart. I thought about your first steps, your first laugh and your first school dance. I thought about prom, and I thought about your wedding. I grieved harder than I have in my life. I could not stop thinking about everything I’d lost when I lost you. Saying that I lost my mind is the understatement of the year. I ran away from my life because everything in it reminded me of you. And I couldn’t cope with losing you.

Today your brother or sister lives inside of me. Therefore, I always have a piece of you with me.  I have no doubt that this was part of God’s master plan. Perhaps this special baby within me needs a special angel to guide its way through life. Perhaps we both needed an angel to guide us through life. I feel this baby move within me and I can’t help but feel sadness that I never got to feel you. But I remind myself that this baby within me was conceived right alongside you, at the same moment as you, with the same dna as you. So you live within me as well. And you always will.

Someone once sent me a poem about losing a child during pregnancy. The visual the poem invoked was one of an angel baby lying on the mother’s pillow at nite, drying her tears and giving her strength. That image has lived on in my heart every single day. I don’t doubt that you gave me this gift inside my tummy. I don’t doubt that it was you that sat on my shoulder and gently guided me back to sanity and sent me back home where I belonged.  I don’t doubt that it was you I felt during the darkest, scariest times.

We share a birthday, sweet Sadie. I turned 30 on the day that you were to be born. January 20th. I don’t know how I would have done if I didn’t have your sibling in my belly. It took away some of the emptiness you left behind. I wish you could have joined me. I wish we could have celebrated our birthdays together for the rest of my life.

Your sister Maggie and I spent some special time together on our birthday to talk about you, remember you, and try to understand why God decided to take you before we even got to hold you. And then we sent you balloons…….3 of them. One from each of your moms, and one from Maggie. We know you got them, because we laid on our backs and watched them as the sky swallowed them and sent them to heaven. We hope you liked them. We hope you know how much we love you.

Thank you for watching over us. Thank you for the gift of the baby in my tummy. Keep us safe. And always know how much we love you.

Love,

Maggie, Mumble………and your moms…………